you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it hurts more in the daytime
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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