whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
