im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
