Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Vodka?
Forever.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
