i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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