I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
