the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
