I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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