I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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