I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
