the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
