So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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