She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
