hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
