I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
