Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
