Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
