MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Send help, water and tortillas.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
