Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
