She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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