How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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