I think my fart just growled at me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
