Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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