I met the friendliest cop last night
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
