a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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