Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
