Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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