Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
