Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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