I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
