What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
