Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
