She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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