Just cropdusted the office
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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