The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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