I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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