can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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