Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
