Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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