There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
