i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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