first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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