Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
