god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
