shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Randomize
