new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
