you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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