one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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