if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
