You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
