i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
