Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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