I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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