You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
