My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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