I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We're using joints as your birthday candles
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
